Avatar: The Final Words

DIRECTOR James Cameron last night insisted his trillion-dollar epic Avatar 'will set a new standard for films with colourful cat people made by computers'.

Cameron defended the project amid growing concerns he has spunked the GDP of a medium-sized country on a three-hour animated version of a progressive rock album cover.

Cameron said: "Avatar is a visual feast for anyone who likes blue pretend cat people in suede loincloths, alien foliage and a quasi-political allegory that doesn't make sense. And that's everyone, right? Right? Right?"

He added: "You can't tell me it looks shit. But please tell me it doesn't look shit. Because it doesn't, does it?

"Oh God. Blue cat people. What have I done? No, it's fine, it's fine. Breathe deeply, Jim. Go to your safe place."

Film critic Roy Hobbs said: "Cameron's been through this before with Titanic, which everyone said looked like it was going to be shit. And to be fair, it was shit.

"But that didn't stop all of you pond scum going to see it and cooing at the pretty shapes and colours as you shovelled floating-dead-person-flavoured popcorn into your drooling maws with your stupid, spade-like hands."

Hobbs added: "However, the previews suggest that Avatar does not include even a nanosecond of Winslet nipple, which could be where it comes unstuck. There's probably some cat person nips, but that's not really the same."

Office worker Tom Logan, who watched the trailer for Avatar during his lunch break, said: "Despite a lifetime of cultural conditioning to believe that massively expensive things are inherently good, I can honestly say the thought of spending three hours watching glorified Thundercats lobbing stones at robots makes me want to pull my foreskin up over my head and bark like a dog.

"That said, I'll probably still go and see it."